Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Trouble with Tribbles

It has been an eventful 3 months. Much learned. Much digested but not yet processed. And I am feeling chatty.  Update:

My physical recovery moves along on two separate planes. The cardio rehab nears completion and I feel like I have recaptured part of my past. I recognize components of my physicality I feared lost -- balance, posture, movements. I feel me emerge, the familiarity of Self that I had taken for granted before it was lost. But that is past now and it feels so good to recognize the movements of my body.

My shoulder rehab moves slowly and I wonder/fear if I will ever regain full use of my left arm and shoulder. It does not hurt like before and for this I am grateful. I am sleeping much better now; not being woken by the pain as before. But range of motion is not there. I am early in rehab so it is likely that only time and effort are needed. This is what I tell myself. But I fear the worst.

Most of the collateral damage from the CABG surgery has vanished. I don't know if I am among the  brain addled 51% mentioned in a previous post, but today I am inclined to give myself the benefit of the doubt. Internal systems seem back online. Full circulation now in my left hand with tingling gone and strength returned to my fingers. I think my chest could withstand a good punch.

And yet what has not passed: every time I roll over, or sit up, or sometimes just rise from a chair, comes an involuntary shrill guttural (goddamn annoying 6 months later) sound from someplace deep. It is a daily reminder that I was split wide, violated, saved. It is if I brace myself against attack, against exposure. It is as if I still cling to something. Or maybe that is not it either. But it is a constant reminder that I have been changed in a large way.

Kismet: Lunched and libraried with William on Friday, discussing writing group members NB and Andrea and Lyle. In the Cellar I come across 2001 Best American Short Stories with NB mention (next 100) and then Saturday run into Andrea (after several years) at HEB, who of course asks about William and Lyle and NB. To coffee with Andrea this week and make plans to restart another group.

Next post: Job Offers and Empire and Decisions;
Next post: Back to work, finally;

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